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Intimacy is one of the most important aspects of a lasting, fulfilling relationship, yet it is often one of the first things to fade over time. Couples get caught up in careers, parenting, and daily responsibilities, and before they know it, they feel disconnected from each other. Many assume this is just a natural part of a long-term relationship, but neglecting intimacy can have profound consequences. Not just for emotional connection but for overall health and happiness.

Dr. Christi recently sat down with relationship and intimacy expert Dr. Viviana Coles, author of The 4 Intimacy Styles™, to discuss why intimacy is essential, what happens when it is ignored, and how couples can rekindle connection at any stage of their relationship.

Why Intimacy Should Be a Priority, Not an Afterthought

A fulfilling intimate life is about far more than physical pleasure. It is one of the strongest ways to maintain emotional closeness, and studies show it can even impact longevity.

“Couples who experience fulfilling intimacy—both emotionally and physically—tend to report higher life satisfaction, lower stress levels, and even improved heart health,” says Dr. Viviana.

Intimacy triggers the release of oxytocin, a hormone that enhances trust, deepens emotional bonds, and reduces stress. However, when intimacy is neglected, disconnection can quietly creep in, and partners may find themselves feeling more like roommates than lovers. Small, consistent efforts matter, such as holding hands while watching TV or sharing a long hug before leaving for the day, can strengthen that connection.

Yet, despite its importance, intimacy is often the first thing to suffer when life gets busy. So why do so many couples let it slide?

The Silent Killer of Relationships

One of the biggest mistakes couples make is assuming that their partner experiences intimacy the same way they do.

“I see it all the time in my practice,” says Dr. Viviana. “One partner is craving physical closeness to feel emotionally connected, while the other is waiting to feel emotionally connected before they want physical closeness. This mismatch creates frustration on both sides.”

Many couples also get caught in the parenting trap, where all their energy and affection get directed toward their children, leaving little left for their spouse. “We believe our kids will literally die without us, but we don’t treat our marriages the same way,” Dr. Viviana points out. “Yet, a neglected relationship can ‘die’ just as surely as anything else we stop nurturing.”

Dr. Christi has seen the impact of this in her medical practice. “I meet so many women who feel like their desire has disappeared, and they assume it’s just a hormonal issue. But often, it’s more than that—it’s exhaustion, stress, and a lack of connection. And when intimacy disappears for months or years, it becomes harder and harder to find your way back to it.”

Understanding Your Intimacy Style

A major key to rebuilding intimacy is understanding what each partner needs to feel connected. In The Four Intimacy Styles, Dr. Viviana identifies four distinct ways people experience intimacy:

• Bonding Style – Needs physical intimacy to feel emotionally connected.
• Release Style – Views intimacy as a stress reliever and way to unwind.
• Giving Style – Feels most fulfilled by providing pleasure to their partner.
• Responsive Style – Doesn’t often initiate intimacy but enjoys it when their partner does.

Many couples assume that their partner experiences intimacy the same way they do, but this is rarely the case. “Most people are a combination of all four styles, but they tend to have one dominant one,” Dr. Viviana explains. “Understanding this can completely shift the way couples approach their intimate life.”

If you’re unsure of your intimacy style, Dr. Viviana offers a free quiz at doctorviviana.com/the-4-intimacy-styles-quiz/ to help couples uncover their unique mix.

The Cost of Ignoring Intimacy

Many couples avoid talking about intimacy because they fear conflict, but ignoring the issue only makes it worse. Intimacy isn’t just about physical connection, it’s about closeness, trust, and emotional bonding. When it fades, resentment and loneliness can creep into the relationship. Unfortunately, many couples wait too long to address these issues, allowing the disconnection to deepen.

For some, hormonal changes might contribute to a decrease in intimacy, and medical treatments such as hormone therapy can be helpful. However, for most couples, the challenge is more emotional and relational. Seeking professional guidance, such as working with a sex therapist, can create a space to openly discuss challenges and explore solutions.

If you’re feeling disconnected from your partner, start by making small, intentional changes:

• Prioritize physical touch, even if it’s just holding hands or cuddling on the couch.
• Make time for real conversations beyond daily logistics.
• Introduce “pillow talk”, a playful, affectionate conversation without the pressure of leading to sex.
• Understand each other’s intimacy styles and make an effort to meet in the middle.

Physical intimacy is one of the few aspects of a relationship that belongs exclusively to you and your partner. Neglecting it over time can lead to a loss of connection that is difficult to repair. By prioritizing small, consistent actions, couples can strengthen their bond and rediscover the joy of intimacy.

Start Creating a More Connected Relationship

If you’ve been feeling disconnected from your partner, know that change is possible. With understanding, effort, and the right tools, couples can rebuild intimacy and experience a deeper, more fulfilling relationship at any stage of life.

As a special offer for LifeSculpt listeners, Dr. Viviana is offering 20% off her intimacy courses and digital products. Use code LIFESCULPT at checkout at doctorviviana.com.

For those looking to explore these topics further, Dr. Christi and Dr. Viviana are hosting a Galentine’s Event on February 13, 2025, in Houston, Texas.

• What to Expect: A screening of The M-Factor Movie, a documentary on thriving in menopause
• Where: CityCentre Houston
• Extras: Wine, light snacks, and a live Q&A with Dr. Christi and Dr. Viviana
• Bonus: Dr. Viviana will be signing copies of The Four Intimacy Styles